Pop Quiz

Remember the mission trip I wrote about?  Where it looked like Erik wasn’t going to get to go after all?  Well, that situation changed, literally overnight. Erik was going to Haiti!  Everything came together in such an amazing way – plane tickets, passports, finances. I don’t remember when I’ve seen Erik so excited!

And then, two days before they were supposed to leave, he experienced excruciating, keel-over-on-the-ground stomach pains. Was it appendicitis? Gall bladder? Something else entirely? The doctors ordered a full battery of tests, labwork and an ultrasound. Anything at all suspicious and he wouldn’t be going.  The one thing the doctors were clear on was that Erik did NOT want to be hospitalized in Haiti.

“Umm…excuse me, God? Could you tell me, exactly why you would bring us to this point, only to have us cancel the day before he’s supposed to leave???”

And in His still quiet voice…

“It’s a test”

“Well…it feels more like a pop quiz – no advance notice, no time to prepare. I don’t like pop quizzes.”

I’ve never liked pop quizes. I always did great on scheduled tests. I could prepare and study and do well. The results were in my control. But those pop quizzes? The ones with no warning? I hated them. Never did well at all. Who wants to have to be prepared all the time? Who wants to study unless you think you’re really going to need the information, like for a test?

Which is exactly the point I think God was trying to make. He doesn’t want me to work on my faith, on my relationship with him, only when I think I’m going to need it. He wants me prepared ALL the time. So that when those pop quizzes of life show up (obviously unannounced) my faith is ready. He wants me armed at all times, with the promises I’ve memorized, with the journal entries reminding me of his faithfulness, with a prayer walk that’s comfortable from so much open communication. 

And do you know what I realized?  When you’re prepared and ready, pop quizzes really aren’t so bad after all. 

In fact, I think I aced this one!  12 hours before departure, the doctor’s office called and said Erik was free to fly!  He came home last night and what an amazing adventure.

brownies for breakfast

I’ve always wanted my kids to have the opportunity to participate in a mission trip to a foreign country.  There’s an amazing amount of personal growth that happens when we experience another culture, especially seeing the joy that others exhibit in the face of hardship and deprivation. 

So, it was with  great excitement that I looked forward to my 18 year old son’s chance to go on a mission trip to Africa last December.  And then the trip was cancelled.  I was so disappointed for this lost opportunity.  And then yesterday it looked as though he would have another chance.  A youth group was going to work at an orphanage in Haiti and he was invited to participate.  Again, I was so excited.  And now, once again, it looks like it’s going to fall through.  It looks like his Father is going to say, “no”. 

I went God and asked, “Why?  This is such a good thing that I want for him.  I really don’t understand, God, why you wouldn’t want him to go.  “ 

And then I remembered the time Kate wanted brownies for breakfast.  She was barely a year old, sitting in the high chair, waiting for her Cheerios.  Suddenly she spotted a pan of brownies on the stove.  Although she wasn’t yet talking, there was not doubt in my mind that she wanted those brownies and she wanted them NOW! 

“Sorry, Kate.  You’re NOT having brownies for breakfast.”

Oh my.  If you had heard those wails, you would have thought I was torturing her.  Those brownies looked so good and at that moment, she wanted them more than anything. 

And I wondered, how could I possibly explain to her that although the brownies looked like such a yummy, good thing, brownies for breakfast weren’t really the best thing for her right now?  There was no way for her to understand.  She was just going to have to accept that I, as her mom, knew so much better what was best for her.

And then I wondered, how often do I really want something, something that looks like it would be a good thing, and my Father says, “No, that’s not really the best thing for you.  At least not right now.”  And I have to accept that, as my Father, He knows so much better that I, what is really best for me…

…even in regards to a mission trip.

Humility

It was a tough week at work. I had to make several decisions. Decisions that weren’t easy to make. Decisions that I struggled with. Decisions that were mine to make because of the position I hold. One of those decisions included choosing between supporting an employee or supporting my boys. Another decision involved working with several people with differing viewpoints, helping to facilitate a common ground. And yet another decision was that of terminating an employee. Tough decisions, affecting real people.
So tonight, I went to Good Friday service at church. It was a last-minute decision, actually. I went looking for reassurance that I’m not really a ‘bad’ person, in spite of the decisions I made this week. Instead, I received confirmation that I’m ‘bad’ to the core. That shook me a bit. But I also received reassurance that I’m forgiven. Yet, I as I left church, I struggled with my emotions. Did I make the right decisions this week? I think so, but I don’t know for sure. Did I handle my decision-making with enough grace? I hope so, but I don’t know for sure. Were people affected by my choices? Of course, but how significantly, I don’t know for sure. Was I faithful in bathing my decision-making process in enough prayer? Nope. I do know that for sure. God reminds me:  “Those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.” (1 Cor 4.2) Some days it’s pretty fun, doing what I do. Today, I was humbly reminded that I’ve been given a trust.  A trust that requires that I shoulder a lot of responsibility…a responsibility to be faithful – faithful in praying over every decision I make.  And then I can rest in the grace and forgiveness offered in the cross.

Relationships

I’ve been a member of the NW Christian Speakers Bureau for several years. I love speaking and sharing what God has done in my life. But over the past year, several things have occurred that have prevented me from taking any speaking engagements. It’s been a variety of different circumstances. Each time, I asked God, “Why?” and sensed God saying “just trust ME”. Finally, this past month, I felt that God was telling me to completely remove my name from the bureau’s listing and concentrate on my construction business. It didn’t make any sense to me. Sharing God’s message to hundreds of women vs running a construction company??? Then God reminded me that there were people to be reached right where I’m at. “But God” I whined, “we’re talking about a handful of people as opposed to hundreds!” And he said, “It’s about the relationships, not the numbers.”

So instead I asked him for something big that I could do for the orphans. And he said, “What about Kate? What about Kanani?” And I said, “But God, that’s only two”. And he said again “It’s not about the numbers. It’s not even just about a relationship. It’s about the depth of the relationship.”

In January, Kanani came to our Hope 1.27 meeting. Afterwards, she was visibly upset and I questioned her. She talked angrily about the comfort bags. “Do you really think a bag with a toothbrush and pajamas is going to make a difference??” At first I was offended. “We put a lot of love into those bags,” I thought defensively. But then I took a deep breath and really listened to what she was saying. In a lot of ways, it’s was cop-out, an easy way to assuage our conscience, to convince ourselves that we’re helping the orphans. It was safe…not messy.

But Kanani went back to Iraq and it was convenient to forget that conversation, to convince myself that what we were doing was important and that it was unrealistic to think that we could have a deeper impact. After all, there’s an awful lot of needy kids out there. What we were doing was better than nothing, right?

Then, in that persistent way that God works, I ran across an article that shook my core. It was an article in “Discipleship Journal” and it talks about a group of Christians doing inner-city work. Too often our work of “helping the needy” really comes across to those we’re helping as just another opportunity for a Christian photo-op. We’re sending a message that says “I’m privileged and you’re not – let me fix you.” We project a message of pride, of self-righteousness. We pop in, offer a quick-fix and then we walk away, patting ourselves on the back for our good works, and shaking our heads at the fact that they don’t want to be like us. We forget that this is not the message of humility that Christ taught as he walked this earth.

Jesus took the time to form relationships. He was a friend to sinners. He spent more time relating and less time helping. He didn’t teach God’s love by putting together care packages. He taught God’s love by investing in the lives of others. If we follow his example, we may only impact a few people during our lifetime. But I sense, once again, God saying “It’s not about the numbers. It’s not just about a relationship. It’s about the depth of the relationship.”

What if we took all the money and all of the time we’ve each invested into our ministry projects over the years and instead, each invested that much into one relationship, maybe with one orphan, maybe with one widow, maybe with one single parent, maybe with one drug addict or alcoholic, developed over time? A radical thought? Maybe? But what would Jesus do?

Rest

Sunday morning’s message was about rituals vs relationships in our Christian walk.  It was a good message, delivered well.  But I didn’t receive any new revelations, no dramatic convictions.  We then partook in communion.  Again, it was a good thing – I confessed my sins and was grateful for my salvation.  But nothing earth-shattering. 

 

I usually find some nugget, some “something” during a Sunday morning service that I’m going to take home with me and work on.  An application, an action.  But that morning, there was nothing.

 

I returned to my seat after receiving the bread and the cup, a bit discouraged at not hearing God’s voice personally.  I closed my eyes.  “Lord, I appreciate being here.  I appreciate what you’ve done for me.  But I’m not hearing you speak to me.  What exactly is it that you want me to work on?”  

 

Silence.

 

“Lord, please.  Speak to me.  Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll work on it.”

 

Silence.

 

 

Nothing.

 

 

And then…so very softly…

 

 

“Kristen…that’s the whole point.  Nothing.  Just snuggle up to me.  It’s not about the action.  It’s not about self-improvement.  It’s about the relationship.  Just cozy up to me…the way you watched your daughter nestle in to her big sister, home from Iraq.  Snuggle in, like it’s been a long a time since you’ve been able to do that.  Because it has.  Snuggle in like there’s nothing more important, nothing more pressing in the whole world.  Because there isn’t.  Snuggle in like I am the most secure place in the world for you to be.  Because I am.  Snuggle in like you are the most precious thing in the world to me.  Because you are.”

 

And then Pastor Pete read these words:  “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’  Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.  He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.”

 

Lord, help me to just rest.

No Regrets

I often make decisions based upon how I’ll feel later or “after the fact”.  I.e. this morning, I really didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for church; but I realized that if I didn’t get up and go, I’d regret it later.  I have always assumed that this method of decision-making was a good thing.  After all, it enabled me to forgo instant gratification for long-term satisfaction.  And that’s a good thing, right?  Well, it was pointed out to me that my “no regrets decision making methodology” was actually a symptom of a “glass half-empty” attitude.  I was making decisions based on fear of something negative rather than the anticipation of something positive.  I was going to church because I was afraid I’d feel bad if I didn’t.  The alternative would be choosing to go to church because I know that I love being there.  The results are the same, but the attitudes are a world apart.  

So here’s something to think about:  Do you make your decisions based on a fear of something negative?  Or in the hope and expectation of something postive?